February 28, 2012
You should never give up
The other day I was talking with a friend about general adoption issues, and she brought up a mutual acquaintance of ours who had gotten pregnant, started an adoption plan and then, as it neared time for her to birth the baby, changed her mind and decided to keep the child. She was 25 when this all happened, and she has since gone on to become an amazing mother, absolutely dedicated to her son — there is no doubt that he is the greatest blessing to ever enter her life.
My friend remarked that she was initially turned off by our acquaintance’s decision to keep the child. That it irked her that she had set up an adoption plan and that another couple had planned on receiving a baby and then didn’t at the last minute. Working in adoption, of course I’m very sensitive to this issue and the many emotions that come along with adoption — for both birth families and adoptive families. I tried to explain to my friend that when someone is planning to place their child for adoption, it can feel nearly theoretical — the idea of having a child can’t possibly become a reality until you’ve actually had it. You have no idea how you’re going to react. How meeting the child that has grown inside of you for 9 months can certainly change a decision you made before you’d even been introduced.
Of course, I understand my friend’s perspective, beacause it’s devastating for an adoptive family to have to wait longer for a child when they thought they’d be receiving one sooner. On the other hand, it’s an impossible task to expect a birth mother to know how she will feel when she actually gives birth to her child.
The point of this all is that everything truly happens for a reason. And in this industry, we see that every day. I have two members of my own family who were adopted and who I can’t imagine my life without. One of my them, his parents went through two failed adoptions until he came into our lives. And while that may not have felt like a blessing at the time, when he arrived, he was so perfect that we couldn’t imagine completing our family in any other way.
When my friend and I were talking, I told her that sometimes a failed adoption can be a Catch-22. The loss of not receiving a child is true and immediate, but when your match does go through and you do meet the child you’re meant to parent, that moment is so special and feels so right, that you can’t imagine your life working out any other way.
There’s a wonderful article that was written in November entitled “We Nearly Decided to Give Up” that truly illuminates the ups and downs of the struggle of a failed placement and the utter joy that you feel when your adoption is successful. I think this is a great article to read, and one to keep close by when you need to keep the faith. Everything happens for a reason — especially in the adoption world.
