August 09, 2017
You Have A Call With A Prospective Birth Mother…Now What?
Congratulations! You’re in the middle of your adoption process, and you have a phone call with a potential birth mother. This is an exciting moment! And it is also scary, confusing, and you may have a bit of trepidation. It’s hard not to go into a call this momentous without being filled with expectation. But expectant energy can be stressful for a birth mother, and so we’d like to share some tips for making the call go as smoothly as possible.
Focus on her. She is making a forever life-changing decision in choosing a family with whom to place her child. And depending on the type of adoption process you two want, you could be in each other’s lives for a very, very long time. Like with any relationship, having that connection, spark, and mutual understanding is key to securing a solid foundation. She needs to feel comfortable with you, and your showing interest in her is paramount to that. Listening is key. There are so many things you may want to know, but don’t push her past the point where she’s comfortable. Keep an open mind and ear, and authentically connect with what she’s saying—not what you wish she would say.
Give the conversation some thought. You will both likely be nervous, and that’s okay! That’s why putting a bit of thought beforehand into questions you may have will help things move more smoothly. She could be incredibly talkative, she may feel extraordinarily shy. Be prepared for both scenarios, and allow the conversation to flow naturally. Which questions would you want someone to ask you if you were in her position? Which questions would you never want to answer? It’s okay to take notes and write things down! The more prepared you are, the better.
Allow her to make the next move. We’ll put it bluntly: urgent, desperate energy rarely feels good to its recipient. You cannot control how quickly she makes her decision, or what the final decision even is. No matter how badly you want to—and it is okay if you do! It’s her child being placed for adoption, and she deserves every minute she needs to make that decision. At the end of the call, express your gratitude for the experience, wish her well, and let her lead whether or not there will be a follow-up. Don’t barrage her with communication in between, just give her the space to think everything through. This will be the hardest part, but your effort here will make a momentous impact.
Most of all relax…and good luck!
