March 24, 2017
Why You Shouldn’t Make Assumptions About Someone’s Adoption Journey
There’s a reason so many articles exist about what NOT to say to adoptive parents waiting to adopt a child. And that’s because so many people, many of whom have never even been in the position of considering adoption, bring judgment into their conversations with adoptive parents. Or at the very least, pre-conceived notions of why they’re adopting and how the whole thing should go.
We don’t always know why someone is led to adoption. It could be a choice influenced by no trauma at all. Or, an individual or couple could make this decision due to a series of particularly challenging experiences. Presumptions that every aspect of the topic is up for discussion can be hurtful, and ultimately feel not very supportive.
So you have a friend or family member who has announced they’re going to begin the adoption process. You have a lot of questions. You love them, you’re invested in their lives, and you don’t want to alienate them. How do you proceed?
Well, first of all, you let them lead. How willing do they seem to be to talk about their adoption process? Are they leading with openness and lots of information, or are they a bit more introverted and contained? If they seem open, ask them, “Do you mind if I ask a few questions?” If you’re getting the sense that they’re not as comfortable divulging all the details right now, offer your support and don’t push the issue.
It’s okay to ask questions, but it’s not okay to ask them in ways that are judgmental or assume a right or wrong answer. Open with your own ignorance. Let them know you don’t know much about the topic, but you’re excited to learn more about what adoption is and how the process works. It’s not that adoptive parents don’t want to answer questions, it’s that they don’t want to answer questions that judge them for the decisions they’re making within the process. Asking them why they decided to go with domestic versus international adoption is much better than asking, “So why didn’t you adopt from this country?” Focus in on how they’re feeling, what’s exciting to them, what is scary about the process, where they could use support. There’s a difference between digging for information and being genuinely curious, compassionate, and open. We suggest the latter.
If you’re really curious about adoption and how it works, do some research! There are so many wonderful resources out there, and it shows the adoptive parents in your life how open you are to their experience, as well as your willingness to learn more about how the process works.
Be open. Ask questions compassionately. Reserve judgment. Enter into conversations without any assumptions. Your relationship with the adoptive parents in your life (and their new little one!) will be better for it.
