March 16, 2017

Why You Should Speak Positively About Your Child’s Birth Parents…No Matter What

Your relationship with your child’s birth parents may not always be perfect. But when it comes to how you talk about your child’s birth parents in front of them, think of it like any other family member. Would you say negative things about a spouse, grandparent, aunt or uncle, or other loved one in front of your kids? Ideally, no. If so, you may want to re-think that, as it can be incredibly damaging and stressful for a child.

Your child’s birth parents are where they came from. They are who brought them into this world, and speaking ill of them or acting frustrated towards them could induce shame, guilt, sadness, feelings of not being good enough, and confusion. This is not to say that you shouldn’t answer questions honestly, if your child has them, but it’s imperative that you think about your tone and choice of words. No matter what, your child should always feel loved and supported. They should feel confident about why they were brought into this world, their place in it, and their origins. And it is our job as adoptive parents to build and support a positive narrative for them.

If you are feeling frustration, find an outlet for your emotions that has nothing to do with your child. However you can, give gratitude to the individuals who brought them into this world and made it possible for your child to become yours. That gratefulness and positivity will resonate with your child in powerful ways, and it will support them feeling positively about their own adoption.

It will always be the nature of our children to question who they are, where they come from, and how adoption affects their identity. They’re going to tackle all sorts of challenging issues in their lifetimes — they don’t need us to add to their stress. But they do deserve for their adoption process (and any peaks and valleys therein) to be lifted up, given grace, and treated as positively as possible. Adoption presents distinct challenges for all sides, no one will ever doubt that. But as adoptive parents our responsibility is first and foremost to our kids, and making them feel as confident about their place in this world as possible.