September 27, 2018
Why Focus On Differences, When There Is So Much We Share?
We are a world divided by our differences. It enrages us, separates us, and generates devastating misunderstandings. It’s something that we in the adoption world have been dealing with for such a long time. Everyone always wants to focus on what makes our families different. How we’re built differently, or look different from our children. How our children are different from their peers, and how different our experiences of motherhood are.
On one hand, it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate the choices we’ve made, and how they influence our world view. But on the other hand, there are so many beautiful things we share in common, and it’s dangerous when they become obscured by what we perceive as different. It’s a destructive narrative to pass down to our children, as well. We want them to look at people and see what they share in common, even when differences abound. We want them to seek that out in everyone they meet and feel invigorated by the many things we all have to share.
And as their parents, it starts with us. So what can we do?
Start with you and your kids. Celebrate the things you share, whether it’s a favorite TV show, or a particular sport or activity. Create space to share these things together and use these moments to further connect.
Help them see what they have in common with their friends by creating shared experiences, and working with their parents or guardians to nurture the activities they both love.
Watch how you discuss your children’s friends with them. Do you focus on the differences, or do you key into what makes them similar and help your child feel good about that? Ask them to talk about why they like a new friend, and to share more about what they see in them that they relate to or admire.
Don’t leave siblings out of the fold. Siblings are constantly being compared to one another. Hierarchies are created, and younger siblings often feel like they can’t live up to their older ones. Bring your family together by focusing on what you have in common, what can be enjoyed and shared together. This can be a beautiful way to bring enhance the relationships between your children, and create bonds that will last their entire lives.
