October 18, 2016

Thoughts on Better Discipline

Disciplining is the worst. It’s stressful, tense, emotional, there’s usually a fight involved, and all around it’s basically just the worst of everything.

But — it’s necessary. And even more than necessary, there are right and wrong ways to do it. Hint: yelling and screaming (while cathartic sometimes) will not always yield the best results.

Although it can be tough in the moment when emotions are running super high, we’d like to share a few tips for better discipline. Better discipline means a stronger connection with your children, lessons learned, and the increased likelihood that they won’t repeat the offense over and over. (Or at least not as much ;).

Find space for discussion. Discussion is how you’re going to get the bottom of things, and if you can make space for cool-headed discussion, you’re going to alleviate a lot of the really nasty elements of disciplining, i.e.: yelling and screaming. Try to get to the bottom of what’s going on. Why are they acting out? What decision-making process led them to make the mistakes they did? Are they struggling in other ways and the bad behavior is masking a potentially larger issue? Make sure everyone’s voice is heard. No one is apt to really listen when they feel like they’re being talked down to and don’t have a space to explain or defend their actions.

Really think about the punishment. Does it fit the crime? Is it something that will really stand up and make them pay attention? Is it strong enough that it discourages from them doing it again, or is it so strong that it just makes them rebel even further? (This can happen!) Three months of grounding for a bad grade on a test is only going to breed resentment. No phone for a whole weekend? It’s not overly aggressive, but it’s definitely something they’ll feel and won’t want taken away from them again.

A good punishment is balanced with solid encouragement. You’re disappointed in them because you know they’re better than their actions. So why not tell them that? Encourage their strengths, praise the things they do well, and they’ll better understand the worth you have in their eyes, and why it means so much when they do something wrong. Disappointment is always stronger than anger, and at the end of the day, even in their very worst moments, don’t forget how much your children desperately want to be loved.