September 12, 2017

Things To Remember When Talking To Birth Mothers

When you are a waiting adoptive parent, talking with a prospective birth mother is a challenging, scary thing. It is impossible to know what she wants to hear, and what she is looking for. The only thing you really have is your authenticity. She is choosing someone to parent her child for the rest of his/her life, and she deserves to know that the person she is speaking with is truly the person they are, and that their values, hopes, and dreams align with the her own for her child. Here are a few things you may feel compelled to do when talking to a birth mother, and here’s why we feel you are better off being exactly who you are.

1. Don’t feel like you have to over-glamorize your life. Adoptive parents often feel like they have to be so many things: young, wealthy, jet-setters, with large homes, abundant resources, and glamorous, busy lifestyles. That’s just not the case. Don’t try to represent your life for what it is not…glorify it for what it is, and how it makes you happy. You’re not trying to sell a birth mother on a fantasy—you are trying to share with her the type of home and parenting she and her child can authentically expect. Representing it as anything else is a disservice to her, and to the very legitimate qualities you already possess that will make you a perfectly wonderful parent.
2. Don’t take control of the child before the child is yours. In the eagerness to become a parent, it can be easy for adoptive parents to start speaking about the child as if he or she is already theirs. This can manifest in many ways, like talking about how you will “allow” the birth mother to see her child during certain times, or will “allow” specific communication as part of an open adoption plan. It is not “when” you become the child’s parent, but rather if she chooses you to parent her child. The child is hers up until the very moment when rights are signed over to you. Do not relinquish her of her agency in the most important decision she will ever make for her child.
3. Be kind in how you speak about birth mothers. If you have a habit of speaking poorly about birth mothers, or judging their situation, that energy will come back to her. Believe us. Whether it is in how you speak about her, or others in her position, to your agency, in social media, online, in conversations with family or friends…if you are not approaching this situation with compassion and non-judgment, she will feel that. She deserves to be making this decision alongside someone who respects her and her sacrifice implicitly, so it is vital that you are able to get to that place before initial conversations begin.

Be compassionate, and be yourself! Go into any conversations with an open heart, non-judgment, and a commitment to be as genuine as possible.