Being a birth mother is an incredibly difficult, courageous, bold, and deeply emotional. Placing your child for adoption is a no easy decision, and the emotional effects of that decision never go away.
If you know a birth mother in your life, or are close to your child’s, you’ve probably seen them go through so many things—from happiness at the new life their child has, to insatiable grief that they aren’t parenting their child themselves. This process is natural. And rather than judgment, birth mothers need and deserve support, compassion, and love.
If you know a birth mother going through a tough time, how can you help her out?
Listen. There aren’t answers for a birth mother’s sadness. There isn’t a magical way to make her feel better and take her pain away. But you can give her a safe space to talk, cry, scream, question, and process. That type of compassion leaves an indelible impact, and lets her know she’s not alone.
Check in. Reach out daily with a text or friendly email, or perhaps drop by with a soothing tea or cup of coffee. It’s easy to go days thinking no one cares, or that people don’t realize the depth of your pain. Having someone in your life who makes an effort and shows they’re thinking of you goes a million miles. To be reminded each day that you’re not alone is a gift so many don’t receive. Small gestures often go farther than grand, sweeping ones.
Plan a distraction. When we’re in the thick of depression, distraction is key. It could be a movie, dinner reservations at a new restaurant, a walk in a scenic park, or sitting outside somewhere and enjoying the summer sunshine. Having something new, fresh, and different to look forward to is so energizing. It’s also a powerful reminder of everyone’s innate need for self-care, and why getting out and doing something for ourselves can be deeply healing.
Connect her with new people. We all need new friends! And the older we get, the harder they are to make. Introduce the birth mother in your life to someone you think she’d get along with. Plan a coffee date as an introduction, or host a regular gathering like a cookbook club, book club, or dinner party night. Community is key!
Above all, lead with love and keep your heart open. What she’s going through isn’t easy, and your acknowledgement of that will mean the world.
