July 03, 2018

Reality vs. Fantasy in Adoption Parenting

Adoption is filled with fantasies. Birth mothers fantasize about a better life for her child. Adoptive parents fantasize about what it will be like to become parents. Adoptees often fantasize about the life they’re not living — one that includes their birth family and an alternate reality in which they were not, in fact, adopted.

The counterpoint to fantasy? Reality. And every parenting journey is destined to receive a strong dose of it. It’s vital that you acknowledge and bring it into your parenting experience so you can connect with your child as deeply and honestly as possible.

Fantasy: My child will be completely well-adjusted and never struggle with their adoption. 

Reality: That’s just not true. Adoption is an extraordinary part of someone’s identity, and there is profound depth and emotion to the experience of being an adoptee. No matter how much you love and your support your child, or provide for them in all the best possible ways, you have to understand that there will likely be moments in which they struggle with being adopted. No different than how most kids struggle with a facet of their identity at one point or another. Anticipate it, and keep your eyes out for signs that your child is going through a hard time. You will do so much more for them, mentally and emotionally, if you respect their reality and meet them on their level.

Fantasy: My child will have an excellent relationship with their birth parents. 

Reality: That is absolutely the goal, and something you should support every day. But that relationship is not in your control. You can support it, foster it, put love and energy into it, but at the end of the day, it is not your relationship. It is between your child and their birth parents, and only they can control the ins and outs of how they get along. What you can do is maintain the most positive possible front when talking to your child about their birth parents. Don’t talk negatively about them or try to sway your child toward one side or the other. Let them come to all opinions about their birth parents on their own.

Fantasy: This is going to be the most joyful, magical experience. 

Reality: Online and in movies, adoption is often glossed over to only show the happy side of things. But have you ever known a parent who was happy parenting 100% of the time? Or a child who wasn’t annoyed by their parents ever? If not for the entirety of their teenage years? Adoption is no different! It’s hard to be a family. It’s hard to be parent, and it’s hard to be parented. Adoption doesn’t change that — in fact it only adds additional levels of emotion that need to be processed and worked through. Placing unrealistic expectations on your adoption process only sets you up for failure. And parents have enough of that already! Your adoption is special and unique to you and your family. And that’s magical enough.