February 20, 2013

Reaching Out to Your Child’s Birth Mother

Planning how to reach out to your child’s birth mother for the first time, or the first time in a while, can be very nerve wracking. What will offend her? What will make her happy and w hat will make her sad? What information should you share, and what information should you keep private? We’ve done this before and know that many adoptive parents are interested in the best way to reach out to a birth mother – these tips will help you construct a letter that is compassionate and genuine without being forceful or too over the top.

1. Don’t go overboard. Especially if you haven’t connected in a while, it can be easy to want to share every bit of information you possibly have about your child’s life and what they’ve been up to. It’s much better to begin with something that’s short and sweet. Carefully chosen words are always most effective. Contact from you will probably come as a surprise if it’s been a while, so state your intentions, extend well wishes and then allow your birth mother to take her time before making the next move.

2. Correspondence has become so impersonal anymore, and we’ve found that it’s incredibly effective to include a personal touch. Although you may transition into a relationship that’s comfortable through email or even Facebook, for this initial reaching out, we recommend a handwritten letter. It shows time and dedication and is much more intimate than something typed.

3. Include a photo of your child or a drawing they’ve done. When you include something personal from or about your child, you communicate to your birth mother that it’s important to you that she is in tune with what’s going on with your child. A photo (preferably of the child alone, not the entire family) or an illustration addressed to the birth mother show a thoughtfulness and attentiveness towards the birth mother’s role in creating your family. She may also be more willing to respond if she is seeing how the child is growing, thriving and maybe even looks like her.

4. Don’t place any demands on a response. The ball needs to be your birth mother’s court, and it’s important that you reiterate that and show an understanding of her position. Offer her whatever you’d like – the opportunity for a visit, a phone call, more regular communication – and then let her know that you respect her wishes, whatever they are. Provide your contact information and any other information you’re willing to share and let that be that. She deserves time to process your reaching out, and it is important that she feels that respect from you.

Have you reached out to your child’s birth mother recently? How did it go? We’d love to hear any tips you have that didn’t make our list!