January 19, 2017

Preserving your marriage when working through the adoption process

The adoption process is not easy. Neither is marriage. Together, these two combined can be a combustible situation, prone to emotional outbursts, feelings of confusion and fear, stunted communication, and a growing distance between two people who need each other very much.

It’s devastating, to have sadness creep into your life in a way that pulls you from the people you love most. As gut-wrenching as it is, it is common. And if you are experiencing this now, we cannot stress this enough: you are not the only one. We’re talking about this because it’s common. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it has to be necessary.

Here are a few ways to help preserve and protect your marriage while going through the adoption process:

1. Understand that everyone grieves in different ways. Whether you’ve struggled through fertility, a failed adoption (or multiple), or are having a difficult time finding the right match, you and your partner may grieve in completely opposing ways. This doesn’t mean that one or the other is wrong, just that you’re different people. It’s very natural to have separate reactions to the same situation. Although it may feel distancing, try to exercise as much compassion as you can muster, and set aside one designated night a week where you can talk through how you’re feeling, how the other is making you feel, and what you need from one another. Having this time set in stone and on the calendar will encourage you to not react poorly in the moment, and as a result may give you time to cool down if tensions are rising. It also demonstrates a true commitment to one another and hearing what the other has to say.
2. Schedule a regular (weekly, if not more, depending on your situation) date night. Making it the same night every week is always easiest (this goes as well for the above!), and it guarantees you have something to look forward to. Switch up what you do each week so that you’re sharing fresh experiences with one another and challenging yourselves with new ways to spend time together. Excitement has much better energy than routine, and keeping the blood flowing in your relationship will be good for you both.
3. Allow yourself a bit of indulgence (this is much easier if you don’t already have children). Stay in bed until 11am and eat breakfast in front of the TV. Go out for a cocktail mid-day on the weekend, say no to an obligation and choose something fun to do instead, take a spur-of-the-moment trip to a place you’ve never been. This is a rough time, and part of your self-care ritual should be treating yourselves. This not only reminds you that you have wonderful lives that deserve to be lived, but it gets you out of your routine and keeps things fresh.
4. Self-care. Identify what makes each of you feel the best. For one, it may be weekly mani/pedis, for the other, an hour of intense sweating at the gym multiple times a week. Whatever it is, articulate it to each other, and then make sure you both have time each week to engage the rituals that take care of your individual needs. You’re spending a lot of time taking care of one another right now, so you need to make sure that you’re also taking care of yourself.

Above all, know that you will get through this, and that something incredibly beautiful is on the other side. The person standing next to you is your partner in this, and the more patience and care you give to one another, the better.