August 15, 2013
Overcoming Anger in Adoption
We stumbled upon this post written by a birth mother, addressing anger in the adoption world and it got us thinking about how unexplored this topic is. We spend so much time lauding the adoption process and speaking of its blessings and miracles, of which there are many, but this does not discount the many times that negativity does crop up in the adoption world. You may, at some point, be met with negative reactions to adoption: people who don’t understand how you could raise a child that isn’t yours, people who don’t understand how you could place your child for adoption. When in the middle of such a life altering, incredible process, you don’t need to be hindered by the anger of those who can’t find it in themselves to support you. Here are a few tips for working through that with yourself, and others.
Don’t back down. If there are people in your life who don’t understand adoption, it is not your job to make them. If you are an adoptive parent, it is your job to be excited about your journey, to focus on all the changes becoming a parent will bring to your life. If you are a birth parent, you should feel confident about the brave decision you have made, the wonderful life you are bringing to this child. Persevere in your selflessness. Explain to any detractors the reason why you are doing what you are doing and why adoption is the best fit for you. If they still cannot understand and be supportive, you must stand up for yourself and surround yourself with those who will reinforce the kind, wonderful decision you have made.
Join a support group. No matter what it is, whenever there’s a big decision to be made, you can’t go wrong with extra support. And that is especially the case in the adoption world. For adoptive parents, adoptees and birth parents, there is no better way of putting your own life and decisions into perspective than by sharing stories with other individuals who have been through the exact same thing you’re going through. There are many people in your life who may not ever understand the way adoption fits into your world. Adoption, in all its forms, is a gift, never a curse. You deserve to have that reinforced for you, and to spend your time with people who can share the love and kindness you deserve during this time.
Read and write about adoption. Often times, when something is truly upsetting, it’s best to just get it out into the world. If you still want those feelings and emotions to remain private though, take up writing! Keep a journal about your adoption experience, read other books or journals, find adoption bloggers and connect through online forums. You shouldn’t ever feel like you have to hide your feelings – the act of putting them out into the world and allowing yourself to truly emote and connect with your emotions is undeniably powerful.
Counseling. Most adoption agencies offer birth mother counseling, or have access to birth mother counselors. We urge you to take advantage of these services and to give yourself the gift of speaking with someone who understands your situation and knows what you’re going through. Adoptive parents, too. Counseling is not for the week. It is for the incredibly strong – for individuals who recognize that they are struggling and who are confident and strong enough to seek help. Counseling is one of the best things you could ever do for yourself. You deserve to have someone listen, no matter what you’re feeling.
Keep the love alive. Even if you’re not feeling it, you have love in your life somewhere. Whether that’s with a spouse, a best friend, a lover, a teacher or a family member – keep these people close, and don’t let any angst associated with adoption get in the way of these precious relationships. Especially if you are two partners placing a child for adoption, or adopting a child. You must depend on each other right now. Keep that in perspective above all else. No one else knows exactly what you’re going through…that companionship is a gift, and it is your responsibility to make it a positive priority in your life, even if adoption is getting you down.
