January 07, 2017

New Year Parenting Resolution: don’t overparent

This month, inspired by the New Year, we’re going to be doing a series of posts that dive into some of the parenting resolutions we touched on in an earlier blog post this year, sharing our personal plan of attack and hopefully empowering other parents who are beginning the year with some of the same goals.

This week: over-parenting.

This is a topic that got a lot of discussion last year, with questions like, “is over-parenting ruining our children?” And articles about “free-range” parenting hitting the mainstream.

In our hyper-connected world, it’s easier than ever to be fearful of what lurks outside the front doors of home. Unlike parents in the 50s, 60s, 70s, even 80s and 90s, people today know every single awful thing that is happening at every single given moment in every single country in the world. How can that NOT make you paranoid?

The problem is when that paranoia affects our children. And not positively. So how can we promote independence in our kids, teach them how to make mistakes, and take a step back so we’re not completely smothering them all the time?

1. Drop the word “best.” When we put pressure on ourselves to be the “best” parent, our kids to be the “best” at what they do, and our family to be the “best” family in every possible way, it incites really controlling behavior. Which, in turn, leans to over-parenting. Being the best isn’t the point. Being happy, stable, balanced, and at ease is what we should really be focusing on. Kids today have more anxiety than kids of any other generation. Bringing our attention back to the individual and away from our expectations has the power to make a huge difference.
2. Fight the urge to rescue your children. Part of the over-parenting trend is that parents are doing too much for their children. Taking on chores, homework, and bad behavior without teaching our kids accountability and making them do things for themselves. Not only does that teach them to develop an unhealthy reliance on us, but it doesn’t hold us accountable for our actions. We’re not saying don’t be compassionate, but don’t give in every time they don’t want to do something. Encourage them to solve their own problems.
3. Pick something and give up your control over it. What’s something you and your child are constantly fighting over? We’re not talking something that seriously matters, like underage drinking, or drug use, but perhaps a hair style you don’t like, TV show you think is garbage, or any other harmless thing that isn’t illegal, truly detrimental, or unsafe. Let it go. What do you gain from constantly having this same fight with your child? It’s probably not compliance. Give your child space to make their own choices about fashion, taste, friends, and certain activities. It may not be what you would have chosen, but giving them the space to explore and express their personality promotes independence, but also respect. Two things that will go long for your child, and your relationship with them.

Keep these tips in mind, and then as you move through the year, focus on this mantra: “I will support, love, and protect my child. I will commit to conscious parenting without over-parenting.” Beyond the benefits for your child, think of the release you will receive!