May 02, 2018

Mother’s Day and Your Child’s Birth Mother

When y0u are part of the adoption triad, there is a lot to process about Mother’s Day. Whether or not they’re in regular contact, an adoptee’s universe contains two mothers—one who birthed them and one who raises them. There’s weight there, and it can conjure a great deal of emotions.

Mother’s Day can be incredibly tough for birth mothers, which is why there is such a delicate balance between acknowledging the meaning of this day and respecting what she truly wants. The role of a birth mother is different than that of a biological or adoptive mother—but through her choice she gave a child a life and made parents out of strangers. It’s an incredible and courageous sacrifice.

The Saturday before Mother’s Day is referred to as Birth Mother’s Day by many—a day created in 1990 in Seattle by a group of birth mothers. Celebrating Birth Mother’s Day is a beautiful way to honor your child’s birth mother and acknowledge her. But it’s important to first understand whether or not she’s interested in celebrating a day that’s been separated out for her.

If you’re wondering how she feels, open up the conversation and don’t be afraid to ask her.  She may be honored and delighted at your request, or prefer to handle the day in a quieter, less assuming way. But asking her makes it her choice, and shows that you care and respect her feelings and space.

If you’d like to establish a celebratory Mother’s Day tradition with your child’s birth mother, what can you do?

• Send her flowers.
• Write her a letter expressing your thoughts and feelings, including a few photos.
• Have your child write her a note, card, or letter (depending on their age).
• Schedule a phone call, FaceTime, or Skype session for you and your child to have a chat and wish her a happy day.
• You or your child, or both, could pick out a special gift in her honor. Anything from a little luxury—like bath and body items—to a gift certificate for a meal in her area, a spa day, book you’ve loved, or gift that relates to a hobby or passion of hers.
• If you’re close, you could take her out for brunch or dinner, an afternoon coffee or glass of wine. Perhaps your child might want to spend the day with her, if they have that kind of relationship.

Think about what you’d like for Mother’s Day—chances are she’d probably be interested in something similar. It’s an excellent barometer for what may please her.

Whichever route you choose, it’s meaningful and important to communicate to your child’s birth mother that you’re thinking of her, and for your child to see her being honored.

Here are some other powerful pieces about the meaning of Mother’s Day in the adoption world.