March 22, 2016

The Most Important Things To Consider When Creating An Open Adoption Plan

Are you planning an open adoption? If so, wonderful! Among the many things you should be considering is how you want to structure your open adoption plan. What is most important to you? What kind of contact are you looking to have? Ultimately, how do you see this whole process going? Here are a few things to keep in mind while working out what you want:

1. What does “contact” mean to you? The notion of what constitutes an open adoption varies based on the individuals involved. Before you sign anything off with your birth mother, make sure you’re clear about how you define open adoption. Does that mean letters and pictures? Visits? If so, how many? Are you comfortable with phone calls? Would you like for this arrangement to evolve over time, or would you prefer to set the parameters up front and keep it as is? There is no right or wrong answer to any of these questions. Consider what makes you the most comfortable and make sure that’s clearly outlined in your plan and communicated to both your agency and your birth mother.
2. How do you want to facilitate communication with your birth mother? Do you want everything to go through you? Will your child ever be able to spend any time alone, on the phone or in-person, with their birth mother? Will there be regular calls, or would you prefer written communication only? It’s important that both your expectations match. You don’t want to assume that there will be a monthly phone call if she’s not prepared to make that commitment. And vice versa. You don’t want her to expect a certain level of contact if you’re not prepared to offer it. It’s not about either side being right, it’s about making sure both are on the same page.
3. Do not commit to what you cannot absolutely honor. Once you have set an agreement with your child’s birth parent, you absolutely, under every circumstance, have to honor it. And that goes for both sides. Being honest up front ensures you are matched with someone who shares similar expectations. It is traumatic for either side to make an agreement that is changed or violated later down the line—not to mention how that affects the child involved. Do not commit to anything you cannot see yourself doing in 25 years. It’s a lot to have to know up front, yes, but maintaining integrity within your commitment is imperative.

How did you work out your open adoption agreement? Do you have any tips for those working on theirs now?