January 03, 2018
How to Support a Birth Mother Who Has Made An Adoption Plan
Adoption can be very confusing for people, especially when it comes to the role of the birth mother. The struggle to understand why a woman would choose an adoption plan for her child can make it difficult to offer the kind of support she needs to make it through her process, and beyond. The good news is, it’s not your job to understand her reasons for choosing adoption. It’s not your process to go through. It’s hers. And your support is one of the most important things she needs right now. Here are a few tips for bolstering a birth mother who is preparing to place her child for adoption.
Don’t offer advice. There simply isn’t advice for this situation, especially if you’ve never been in it. And unless she specifically asks for you to weigh in, likely she doesn’t need your advice to move forward in choosing a plan, or adoptive parents, that best meet her needs and desires. So as much as you may want to help guide her through her process, we urge you to holster that impulse and focus on listening to her instead. Which brings us to our next point…
Active listening. Here is a great listening exercise for when you want to support someone and let them know you truly hear what they’re saying.
Birth mother: Talks, opens up, expresses what she needs to say.
You: Don’t say a single word. Even if there are uncomfortable pauses. Wait until she is completely done speaking, and then say, “Thank you for sharing.”
Birth mother: “Thank you for listening.”
You: “What I’m hearing you say is…” and then repeat back to her everything you heard her say without advice, without judgment.
It’s so simple, but when you focus on listening to what the other individual is actually saying, you stay completely present in the moment, giving them your full, undivided attention. When you repeat back what they said in your own words, it shows you were truly listening, that you value what they say and feel, and that you aren’t trying to step on top of that with your own advice, judgment, or opinion. It’s a powerful exercise. (And it works beautifully with spouses and children, too!)
Be curious…to a point. Many times when we don’t understand something, or don’t know what to say, we shy away from saying anything at all. But this can be incredibly alienating to someone going through an intense time and who may need to express themselves. When talking to the birth mother in your life, ask questions intentionally: how is she feeling? What is it like for her to create an adoption plan? What sorts of surprises or challenges is she experiencing? Don’t ask questions in a way that implies what you think the answer should be. Ask questions genuinely and honestly, and stay invested in her response. If she seems repeatedly uncomfortable talking about her process, then back off. Read your room.
Take her out for a good time! Chances are she has so much on her mind right now, and probably needs a distraction. Plan a special afternoon or evening outing, something that makes her feel relaxed and supports whatever stage of pregnancy she’s in. Having someone attentive to her wellbeing will mean the world.
