May 07, 2015

Coping with Grief on Mother’s Day

For most of us, Mother’s Day is a day of true happiness. Even if we’re not mothers ourselves, there are our own mothers, or the women who raised us, to celebrate. But for many others Mother’s Day is a trigger, a reminder of grief, infertility, placing a child for adoption, losing a child, losing a mother — any situation in which that role is not being fulfilled in one’s life.

It’s a terrible thing to be triggered by a holiday. Reminders are everywhere, people may forget, you’re likely going to be put in a situation where you’re expected to act happy, when really you’d rather punch a wall, or sit alone and cry.

If this is you, and Mother’s Day brings up painful memories, it can be difficult to gather the strength and energy to face the day. We can’t say we exactly understand what you’re going through, but we are facing this Mother’s Day with losses of our own, so our empathy, love and thoughts are with you. Sometimes it is the very smallest actions that make the greatest impact. Here are a few small ways to face the day and honor your role as a Mother, or the life of someone you’ve lost.

1. Get yourself a Mother’s Day present. Buy a bouquet of flowers, take yourself out to lunch, treat yourself in some small way that reminds you this day is yours as well. Whether you are a mother, have lost a child or placed one for adoption (which still makes you a mother), or want to be a mother and are having difficulties, you deserve to feel something special today.

2. Keep the memory of lost ones alive. Celebrate their life, celebrate your role in their life, do something that honors and commemorates them. Even if it’s as simple as having a glass of your mom’s favorite wine, or buying a small gift for a lost or placed child, or child-to-be. These small tokens of celebration can brighten, as well as affirm their place in your life.

3. Give back to what you’ve lost. Nothing fuels the heart and spirit like giving back to a good cause. Take some time out of the day to donate or volunteer at an infertility organization, birth mother group, adoption center. If you’ve lost a family member to a certain disease or illness, donate there, join a fundraising team, put yourself into the cause.

4. Allow yourself to grieve. If truly, at the end of the day, the only thing you want to do is grieve, cry, feel frustrated…then do it. Your emotions are true, real, valid and deserve acknowledgement. Don’t try to hide them — they’re yours and they deserve to be felt.