September 12, 2018

Birth Mothers Deserve Your Authenticity

When you are a waiting adoptive parent, talking with a prospective birth mother can come with a lot of nerves. It’s easy obsess over the things you think she wants to hear. But when you project your assumptions onto her, what you lose is your authenticity. And that’s the most powerful currency you have.

This is a woman who is choosing someone to parent her child for the rest of their life, and she deserves to know that the person she is speaking with is truly the person they are. That their values, hopes, and dreams align with the ones she shares for her child. Below, we’ve identified a few of the traps adoptive parents can fall into when trying to impress a birth mother.  But here’s why we feel you are better off being exactly who you are.

You don’t have to over-glamorize your life. Adoptive parents often feel like they have to be so many things: young, wealthy, jet-setters, owners of large homes, loaded with abundant resources and glamorous, busy lifestyles. That’s just not the case. Don’t try to represent your life for what it is not. Glorify it for what it is, and how it makes you happy. You’re not trying to sell a birth mother on a fantasy—you are trying to share with her the type of home and parenting her child will receive if you are chosen to become his or her parents. Representing your life as anything else is a disservice to her, and to the legitimate qualities you possess that will make you a perfectly wonderful parent.

Don’t take ownership of the child before the child is yours. In the eagerness to become a parent, it can be easy for adoptive parents to start speaking about the child as if he or she is already theirs. This can manifest in many ways, like talking about how you will “allow” the birth mother to see her child during certain times, or will “allow” specific communication as part of an open adoption plan. It is not “when” you become the child’s parent, but rather if she chooses you to parent her child. The child is hers up until the very moment when rights are signed over to you. Do not relinquish her of her agency in the most important decision she will ever make for her child.

Be kind in how you speak about birth mothers. If you judge a birth mother’s situation, she will feel that energy tenfold. Believe us. And if you do not open yourself up to her with compassion and non-judgment, it will resonate. She deserves to be making this decision alongside someone who respects her and her sacrifice implicitly, so it is vital that you get to that place before you begin your adoption process.

Ultimately, be compassionate, and be yourself! Go into any conversations with an open heart, non-judgment, and a commitment to be as genuine as possible. That will speak volumes.