February 28, 2018

Addressing Perfectionism in Adoption

Perfectionism is a tough conversation in the adoption world. It is not uncommon for adopted children to feel they have to be perfect, to redeem themselves for the parents who placed them, or to please the parents who chose them. So how can you help your child work through issues they may have with perfectionism? Feelings of insecurity, abandonment, or striving to be something they are not?

Allow them to express their fears. Perfectionism is a fear of not being perfect. When people we love express fears to us it’s often our immediate response to convince them otherwise. “No, it’s not true!” “How could you think that?” “You’re actually this, this, and this…don’t you see?” Unfortunately your vision for them may not be how they see themselves. To help your child address their insecurities, it’s vital that you create a non-judgmental space for them to express themselves. It’s not a time for advice or trying to convince them otherwise. Rather, focus on quiet listening and allowing them to open up in their own time.

Understand their feelings of abandonment. Adoptees hear so many things about their adoption. “You were so loved, your birth mother wanted you to have a better life.” “You were destined to be a part of this family.” And so on. For some abandonment may never be an issue. But for others it can be a devastating thing to grapple with, this fear that they weren’t enough. This is where you have to help them love themselves and their individuality, and to teach them they are worth it and do have so much to offer.

Don’t place unfair expectations on your child. Adoption is often the hard-won option for building a family. It may come at the end of a challenging battle with infertility, a failed match, or any number of efforts to become a parent. When it does finally arrive it can be difficult to not place all your expectations on your child. They’re not only fielding your incredible journey towards becoming a parent, but your own expectations of what it feels like to parent, who they actually are (versus who you imagined them to be), whether or not they’ll like the things you like, and a host of other imagined “what ifs.” They need space to grow into this world just as you have, and that space needs to come from you.

Nurture the things that make them feel wonderful. Your child may never be a football star or the lead in the school musical, and they may absolutely hate to cook. But maybe they’re obsessed with the outdoors, have a brilliant mind for computer programming, or they’re a voracious reader who can never put a book down. Locate what makes them tick and create a world in which they are able to explore that to its fullest extent. We feel good about ourselves when we’re doing things we are good at! If they can find a social club, after-school group, weekend workshop, or local class that allows them to explore a passion and meet others who see the world like they do, you’re giving them a direct line to confidence, community, inspiration, and imagination.