June 06, 2013

5 Things NOT to Say to a Birth Mother

Unfortunately, people say things they may not mean (or certainly didn’t think about) all the time. This especially happens in the adoption world, because there are so many who truly do not understand the intricacies of adoption and the sensitivity surrounding the language used (i.e., giving up, vs. placed!) Because this is an issue about which we are passionate in spreading awareness, we compiled a list of five things NOT to say to birth mothers. Spread it around and take heed – we’re all guilty of saying things in not the most sensitive of ways. Compiling this was a good reminder for us, too!

1. How could you give up your child for adoption?

This is probably the greatest offender. The adoption world greatly prefers the word “placed,” as it doesn’t imply that a birth mother just threw her child to the wind, without a care or thought in the world. It is a devastating, difficult decision for birth mothers to decide to place their children for adoption, and our language around that should offer support, rather than to claim negligence.

2. Do you ever wish you hadn’t placed your child for adoption?

Of course they do. Every single day when they miss their child. But the point is that they didn’t have a choice – to give their child the best life possible, the life they felt their child deserved, that was their only option. When talking to birth mothers, our language should move them forward, not back into the past. They think about the past enough, trust us. Don’t engage them in conversation that makes them feel regret.

3. I could have never done what you did.

Really? How do you know? And if that is the case, does it really help anyone or anything to say it? What birth mothers do is incredibly brave – to choose to give their child a better life than they feel they could themselves takes unbelievable selfishness. There are a lot of unwanted children in this world – but the children of birth mothers who really stick through their adoptions are not one of them.

4. Think of how much better off your child is now.

They know where their child is now, because they put them there, out of the sheer goodness of their heart and a love for that child most of us will never understand. And none of that changes the fact that they wish they could have parented that child themselves. That they would give anything to have been there for their child, and never lived a second without them. And no matter how perfect and wonderful their child’s life is, that feeling will never go away.

 5. Now you can go back to living a normal life.

There is very little about a birth mother’s life that feels “back to normal” post placing their child for adoption. Hard, challenging, sad, maybe – but not normal. To imply that they placed their child for adoption so that they could resume things like a normal life, and not have to worry about responsibilities is sadly off-base and extremely hurtful. Birth mothers would give anything to have their baby be part of their normal life.

If you are struggling with what to say to a birth mother, tell her she’s brave. Tell her you find her inspiring, and that she must love her child so much to be able to do what she did. And then stop talking. Just listen.