January 08, 2018
How to Handle Nosy and Inappropriate Adoption Questions
Sadly, we’ve all gotten them: completely inappropriate questions about the adoption process. Ranging from whether or not adoption yields “real” families, to general inquiries about a child’s background that are no one’s business—and likely wouldn’t be asked about a biological child.
This is a stressful and common situation for adoptive parents, as it puts both you and your children in awkward and uncomfortable positions. Not to mention, it can be downright damaging to have someone perpetuating myths, stereotypes, or judgmental opinions about adoption in front of your little ones.
So how do you handle it?
We’ve rounded up a few of our favorite guides to this question, so you can bookmark and keep them easily on hand. Preparing yourself with a preferred response to some of adoption’s more uncomfortable moments will only support you in the long room.
Adoptive Families penned a great piece about dealing with negative and nosy adoption questions, featuring one adoptive mother’s particularly grievous experience and how she plans to handle rude inquiries moving forward. “Predictably, the questions started. Is she adopted? Where’s she from? How long have you had her? Was it really expensive to adopt her? Isn’t it a shame how people in some countries just throw away their girls? On and on the interrogation rolled, undeterred by my terseness. The man seemed completely unaware that he was probing into parts of our lives that we have every right to keep private. How does one deal with a person whose idea of small talk is telling a 2-year-old that she was thrown away?”
The Love Builds Families blogs highlights a variety of awkward questions often asked of adoptive parents, and a helpful array of responses that range from very polite, to informative, to swift and immediate shut-down. Example: “’Who’s her real mother?’” You could respond with, I’m right here! Or Am I not real? Another way to approach this question is to reply by answering the question using the positive adoption language by saying that both her mother and birthmother are real but play very different roles in her life.”
The Adoption Network Law Center offers four unique approaches for dealing with unwanted adoption questions: answering with specific information, using humor, providing a decoy, and refocusing the situation. After explaining those tactics, they provide examples of different questions you may be asked, and how you can employ each technique to craft the answer that’s most comfortable for you.
The Adoptive Families Circle, an online community, features a divine thread of responses from a woman who has received endless rude questions about her transracial family, and reached out to the community for advice. Their real-world experience is invaluable. One woman, Jane, a social worker, offered this as part of a lengthy and deeply informative response: ““Why do you ask?” That turns the tables, putting the other person in the position of explaining what information they are really looking for and why they want it. That, alone, may drive home the point that you are not going to give away personal information—that they are being intrusive and that that is unwanted attention. How they answer, though, can help us decide what to do—to offer to talk with them by phone at another time if they tell us that they or someone they know are considering adopting, or to be more direct in letting them know that we are not open to giving away personal information.”
This excellent piece from Esme offers beautiful options for handling uncomfortable scenarios, as well as valuable affirmation that you are not required to say ANYTHING about your children that is not comfortable for you or your child.
Above all, remember that your family’s story belongs to you and you only—you do not owe anyone anything. (No matter how much they pry.)
<3
