October 04, 2017

When You and Your Spouse Disagree About Adoption

Whenever two spouses don’t agree about big life events—marriage, home ownership, finances, children—it can be incredibly lonely and discombobulating. Adoption is no exception. It is an intensely emotional, time-consuming, and potentially expensive process, and it definitely requires the agreement of both partners to move forward. Although it can be frustrating, we encourage you not to panic. Openness and compassion are key, and desperate, angry, or negative energy tends to push others away, which is the opposite of what you want. Here are a few tips for having constructive conversations that hopefully get you both on the same page.

Listen to your partner’s concerns. 

What are they hesitant about? What scares them? Why do they not feel this is the right time for adoption? What would make them feel more comfortable in moving forward? Is there a way to expose them to some of the things they fear, like adoptive parents who have been in a similar situation, so they can ask questions and have a greater understanding of what the experience is like? The spouse that is more comfortable with adoption has likely put more thought into it, done some research, considered a wider range of options. The reticent partner may not be there yet. You can’t push your partner to be where you are. But you can create an open, compassionate space for them to process their concerns so the two of you can assess what you need to do together to create a more solid foundation for moving forward.

Consider, how does your partner usually process big decisions?

There are many ways to make a big personal decision. Some people are all in, heart-forward, comfortable jumping into the unknown without a net. For others, that lack of structure can be truly terrifying, and they’re more comfortable with a logic-based, right-brained approach. Understanding how your partner processes and makes big decisions is key to getting them on the same page with you. You can’t expect them to be exactly where you are. It’s vital that you consider how they might make their way to a similar place, and what they need to get them there.

Give it a rest. 

No one likes to be sold to. And if your partner feels like you’re constantly trying to convince them to go for adoption, it could push them away. Make your case, express your emotions, and then consider backing off for a bit. Some people process information best in the moment, talking it out and coming to an immediate resolution. Others need time to ruminate and consider. Your spouse may not talk to you about it for weeks, but be thinking about it very intently. Don’t underestimate the power of space and silence.

Find community!

The best way to gather support in moments of uncertainty to is surround yourself with compassionate community. Find an adoption support group, locate people in your area who have been or are in the same position as you and gather their perspectives. Outside opinions often make the biggest impact.

Keep the conversations going, stay open, stay kind, and lead with your heart. <3